“Monster”

Sherrah Cruz

“I can’t wait for life to go back to normal” is just about all I hear everyone say, but my momma said ain't nothin ever going back to normal again.”

She crazy.

I don’t really know what she meant by that. But my momma thought everything was a conspiracy, she into all the syndicate theories about how the government tryna kill us and what not. Me and brothers and sisters always used to laugh at her and say “oh ma please, not with this stuff again.” “Listen to the messages they put in your favorite t.v. shows, yall keep thinking this is a joke,” she would sternly reply back.

We weren't never listening though.

I spent two birthdays, not one but two of my god given years locked up in this damn quarantine. Being bored was an understatement. My summer was filled with dreadful lectures at my grandmomma church about how the regime tryna eliminate a certain amount of black people by the year 2021. And old ladies who I never met coming up to me saying how sorry they were and how I’m young and beautiful and to make something of myself one day. Oh and dry ass backyard barbeques considering no one would show up due to the fact they were all scared of catching COVID or whatever the case may be. I spent most of my summer watching the news with my grandmomma and sorting through all of our old things that were up in the attic. None of my friends  were allowed to come outside or come over because everyone was so scared of the monster. My brother is always tying up the phone line and we ain't got no internet since the bills stop getting paid so bored is what I was all summer.

My favorite place to be was the attic. I felt safe up there. I would pull down the rusty old ladder that dangled from a string, and pull that latch down, hard with all my strength. And no matter how many times I did that the dust that fell on my curly head never got any less. Anyway, I'd dust off my hair, like powder in the air, and stomp up those raggedy steel shaking steps, and pull the latter back up so no one knew where I was. That was my escape from everything I was feeling. But my granny always knew where to find me. “Nessa, come down now, come eat something,” she would call up to me.

I haven't been feeling like eating much these days. My appetite is gone I guess. I usually just run down from my safe haven, push the peas around my plate a little bit and hide my chicken under my mash potatoes. That's the trick to make it look like you ate something when you really didn't .Then it's back up to my attic. The only place I went this summer was in my imagination. I'd wear this old blue yankee cap I found in a box that used to be my momma’s. It was her favorite hat when she was seventeen around my age. She used to wear it all the time. In all her high school photos she would have this blue fitted cap on. It didn't matter what outfit she wore. Blue baggy jeans and a white shirt, she had that yankee cap on. Tight red dress and sandals she had that yankee cap on. I would laugh to myself and say boy did she need a personal stylist. She was pretty as can be though. Long black hair and tanned skin. Which I'm sure she got from my grandma. My grandmother was white as snow and my grandaddy was black. She would tell me how they fought to be together. I never met my grandad. He died before I was born but my grandma always showed me pictures of him and said he was the love of her life, and that when they fell in love her parents disowned her for loving a black man. My grandma, she is just about the sweetest little lady you will ever meet.

I have a collection of all the masks I used during quarantine. I said when it's all over, I'll make a gigantic mask by connecting all the corners together. By far, the mask wearing is in the top 3 things that sucked about my summer. I think the masks will take third place. The Itchy, scratchy, I can't breathe. The pulling down my mask so I can hear you better. A weird reflex I would agree. All of it I hated! How do I feel about this assignment? I feel like its dumb because what could we possibly have enoyed about a summer on lockdown? What could we possibly miss about quarantine summer 20.

Nothing that's what.

I am not looking forward to anything in the near future. I was looking forward to life going back to normal, but that is something which for me, will never be possible again. I couldn't travel anywhere, so no I did not go on any fancy family vacations. Although my momma did have a trip to Europe paid and booked for this coming December that will no longer be happening. For obvious reasons. We were flat out broke after the arrangements so any extra curricular activities were out of the question. However I did look forward to not having to go back to school this September.

I love attending classes in my pajamas. My fuzzy little pink ones are my favorite. I wear them for a week straight without washing them. My grandma is always getting on me about that. Comb your hair and brush your teeth. Change out of those god forsaken pants and put on a dress shirt. At least pretend you are listening. “The government is just making you guys lazier,” my granny would shake her head and say.

Classes in bed are probably the best thing school ever did! Anyways back to the top three things that sucked about my summer. I know this was supposed to be a reflection focusing on the top 3 things that we will miss about summer but my summer sucked! With a capital S so instead I think i'll write about that.

Number 2 on the list was having to share a room with my brother so that my truant sister could move back in because without mom she can't get a job like a normal person and pay for her city view apartment. Momma was in debt but nobody knew. She was way over head. “Fake it till you make it.” Miss Moore said with a grin. As my mom's BMW was repossessed. Whatever that meant. But the thing I hated most about summer was that monster thing that swooped into our world like a black cloud over the city and claimed the lives of so many.

Including my momma.

She was here one second and the next second she was in the hospital for headaches and fever. Next thing you know, doctors called grandma saying she's dead. Now the whole summer everyone of course is looking at us like we have some contagious disease. No one would come over for a long while after. They would just leave gifts out front the door for us to come out and find.

I wish life could just go back to the way it was. But that can never happen.

Sherrah Cruz is a Pscyhology major and a mom from Brooklyn, New York. She likes photography and art.